The Purposeful Pause
Listen to or read mindfully
As part of my work this week, I wrote some pieces about how to improve emotional regulation. The clinical definition, according to Neuroscience and Behavioral Reviews, is “a process by which individuals modify the duration or intensity of their emotions to best respond to environmental challenges.” It’s not about suppressing emotions but rather becoming more aware of them and choosing healthy ways to respond.
There are numerous reasons why doing this might not be easy.
For example, biological factors could be inhibitive, as some of us are naturally predisposed to heightened emotional reactivity. Adverse childhood experiences count against us, too, because trauma sensitivity is greater in people who have four or more of these before age 18. And if you’re not able to effectively manage basic H.A.L.T. cues—hungry, angry, lonely, or tired—it’s more challenging to recognize complicated feelings. (Yes, just like that candy bar commercial).
Through emotional regulation, there’s no need to avoid or embody your feelings. Instead, become a curious observer. Psychologist Tara Brach expanded upon Michele McDonald’s mindfulness theory of R.A.I.N. to help people do this. Brach calls it the practice of radical compassion. Here’s how it works:
Start by taking three deep breaths.
Recognize what’s going on.
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
Investigate with kindness.
Nurture or cultivate natural awareness, which comes from not identifying with the experience.
End with three more deep breaths.
It’s all about the pause. Okay, maybe a few pauses strung together.
Noted medical professor Jon-Kabat Zinn is the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He says, “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way—on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment.”
Without judgment is the secret to effective emotional regulation. As a healthy, functioning human, you’ll experience a range of feelings every day. How you choose to acknowledge and respond to them is what makes a real difference in life, especially in how you form more meaningful connections.
Here are more details about the R.A.I.N. technique from Brach, and a helpful worksheet to follow if you like.
~an excerpt from the forthcoming book, momentary reflections